Future Pedestrians BEWARE!

Of course Dad was in charge when it was decided that 13 year olds were safe (not to mention, it is totally ILLEGAL!) on the roads of Los Altos. This small demonstration is most certainly a cautionary tale of DISTRACTED Driving!

A year in the Life of McDonell

Happy December! This is it. The holiday card and letter. It’s an All-In-One this year. Saving the earth (and postage!) one tree at a time. Really, if you want to print it out, feel free! Frame it! Enlarge it... or just delete it!

A Christmas miracle occurred in late August. All three children began attending school ALL DAY! Toby and I had visions of excessive free time, long lunches, coffee dates, just TIME which always seems in short supply. Now, three months into this new schedule, we still have not had one lunch, coffee date or any time to sit on the couch and talk for more than five minutes at a time and are not quite sure where all this extra time is going!

Bailey endured the rest of last year with his mother as his history teacher and has now moved on to Blach Junior High which is apparently “WAY cooler” than Loyola. He loves the social aspect (surprise!), and it really is a tragedy that there are no grades given for “witty sarcasm” and “custom skateboard construction”. I am desperately trying to see how these skills might transfer into some sort of viable career someday. He still loves lacrosse but has also developed an affinity for using a wood burner for his board designs as well as a bow and arrow. I am fearful that our brief respite from the Emergency Room visits will be coming to a close rather soon....

Riley has moved on to fourth grade and also loves to go to school, not really for the learning but for the giant gang of boys that he runs around with. When he has what he refers to a “group play dates”, the lot of them descend on the kitchen like locusts, and I am left at the end of the afternoon with nary a crumb of food! I’m thinking stock in Costco might be a good investment. He still OWNS the moniker “Random Riley” and I often am not sure whether to burst out laughing at what he is saying or cringe and pray that he doesn’t say things like that in front of people who don’t already know and “appreciate” his sense of humor. Soccer is still his sport of choice and he is considering taking an archery class, which we are pretty sure is a wise defensive move on his part!

Jensen is in first grade and loves going to school every day. His favorite subject is advanced physics... oh sorry, wrong family for THAT! What I meant to say was he is obsessed with sock-out and thinks that school is primarily a vehicle for scheduling play dates. If any actual learning occurs, that is just a side-effect. Really, the shirt he is wearing says it all... and he wears it like a medal of honor! He may the tiniest McDonell but he has learned from the best and can give just as good as he gets. If he can’t make his brothers cry or scream in frustration, he just bites them or screams loud enough to make their ears bleed so EVERYONE in a three block radius feels his pain.

 

Toby is still a captain with Palo Alto Fire and has dreams of retiring so he can stay home and cater to his wife’s every whim... wait, that’s MY dream. In reality, Toby is perpetually creating projects for himself to prevent him from, God forbid, relaxing. He has designed the most amazing kitchen, and we are simply awaiting that big lottery win so it can become a reality. Until then, he is replacing the kitchen piece by piece as it LITERALLY falls apart.

As for me, well I am still loving my job and teaching ancient history to the sixth graders. They continue to be the perfect audience to appreciate my particular brand of sarcastic humor. Much to my children’s dismay, I started a blog last year called “Parenting Team Testosterone” where I enjoy chronicling (some might say mocking) the highly entertaining things the boys do that leave me slack-jawed and utterly speechless. Now when they do something, and I look at them a certain way they ask, “Mom! No! Are you going to blog about this?” Why, yes. Yes I am! Stop doing this ridiculous stuff if you don’t want me to write about it! Just in case you are interested..... http://parentingteamtestosterone.blogspot.com/
Hopefully this letter finds you as happy and entertained as we are... although perhaps your world is a bit more peaceful and quiet!

In my mind, they are all quietly discussing how lucky they are to have such wonderful parents....

The "other" Christmas Card

I had to create one "real" card for the parents and for the scrapbook... it's ALWAYS about the scrapbook right? So, this is the addendum to the forthcoming email entitled: McDonell Holidays!

"Fork Massage" anyone?

Riley, at 9 years old, REALLY wanted to make some money and my "extra chores" for a quarter are not all that appealing to him. SO, he has developed a business plan and opened shop with a service oriented venture he is calling....

Uniform courtesy of "Billy The Exterminator"

"Fork Massages"  (we don't call him Random Riley for no reason, huh?)

Yes, the name says it all. He acquired a few plastic forks from our swim club and noticed that they felt nice when he scratched his arm with them.... and voila! A business idea was born. He already has a client list (wonder who that might be?) and his rates are actually quite reasonable. Here is the info if you need to book one. (Be warned, Jensen is his assistant and he quits early... and he don't read so good yet for booking appointments.)

10 minutes of professional fork massage for $1.00.

A "combo" massage is $1.25 for 10 minutes (What is a combo massage you ask? Well it is your back and your scalp.... or some other place... no, please don't go there with your mind....)

IF you are a "member" of the club, you get an extra minute FREE!

A Satisfied Client

He also has made the commitment to not use the client's forks on himself... how thoughtful and sanitary of him.... HOWEVER I should tell you that he only has THREE forks in his repertoire so, although he will not use them on HIMSELF, he does use them on everyone else.....AND he keeps the spares sticking out of his curly mop of hair like multi-pointed chopsticks.

..... must talk to him about health codes when I am done here.....
I can see the college money rolling in!


10:33AM (Second day of business)
Staffing update: Jensen has been fired for inappropriate behavior in the workplace. As Bailey was getting his massage, Jensen disrobed and began dancing in the massage office. No severance pay was offered. Law suit imminent..... or a good fist fight.... will update later...

In what reality did THAT seem like a good idea?!

Also possibly titled: My son the Klingon...

The Klingon Prince

Bailey and his partner-in-crime Will sheepishly arrive at home last Friday with Bailey sporting a forehead from Star Trek. After my initial terror of possible head trauma I asked how it happened.... I should have not asked..

"I was hit with a golf ball."
"Why were you standing in the way while someone was swinging?!"

"Oh, we weren't playing golf. We were having a golf ball war and throwing them at each other."

WHAAAAAAAT????? Charles Darwin I am a believer! Why is the world not solely populated by females?

After literally sputtering partial profanities at both of them all I can manage to get out is, "You are SO stupid! Both of you!"

Not sure which one is Beavis...

The response from Beavis and Butthead: "heh! heh!"

Days later Bailey looks like a car crash victim... and STILL the only one upset is me....

And how was your day?

Oh, thanks for asking!

Today started with oldest son staggering to the car apparently still blinded from what I thought was merely an eyelash in his eye yesterday.... after reluctantly bringing him to the doctor where they had to "novocaine" his eye and remove some gross object that took two people to remove, they declared him to also have pinkeye. Yea!

Back home to drop of blind son and get goo to treat eye....

Husband (who has been hacking up portions of his lungs for a week) returns from doctor with the diagnosis: "It's pneumonia". Okay.....

Cancel all playdates, birthdays, sleepovers and other human interactions for the foreseeable future.

I sneak outside to collapse on grass and read my trashy magazine as far from the quarantine area as I can get when Riley comes out and asks, "Mom? Do you have tweezers?"

Huh? Tweezers? Why? Said child informs me (while blood is dripping from his mouth and covering his hands) that he thinks he spit his tooth in the trash.

"Well just get it out!" I say....(in a NOT AT ALL EXASPERATED VOICE)  I am then informed that the tooth must have come out while he was eating a rather LARGE oatmeal cookie and it is embedded somewhere in the glob of masticated mush he spit into the can.

Check. Getting the tweezers.... and some latex gloves....

And how was YOUR day so far?

Another travesty of being the youngest brother....

J spent 6 days with a fever of 103.5. His first day allowed outside for just 30 minutes, he was tied to a tree by his brothers who insisted he "volunteered" to help them practice rope tying skills. As if!

Today, by 9:00 am he was handcuffed to the cabinet in the family room.... sigh.... when will this little guy learn? Of course on the "bad parenting" front, I had to take a picture BEFORE I started yelling for them to unlock him.... it is all about the photo.... right?

Fortunately, he packs a mean punch and has retaliated with a bloody nose to his brother 6 years older.... WELL deserved in moments like this

Things I never thought I would say....

1) No playing tag in the restaurant!
2) Could you PLEASE not skateboard in the house?
3) Take the handcuffs off your brother!

The pros and cons of enduring "The Silent Treatment" from your teen

Pros:
1) No arguing! Silence REALLY IS GOLDEN sometimes!
2) Taking a moment... or several... to think of the PERFECT response that will be appreciated by the perpetrator of said silent treatment.
3) Retaining some semblance of parental self esteem.... until the vitriol comes a rollin' from the mouth of your spawn!

Cons:
1) Wanting to physically attack to get SOME SORT OF RESPONSE from them!
2) Wallowing in parental inadequacy
3) Worrying that you might forget your PERFECT statement due to your early parental Alzheimers.

Team Testosterone.... a Year in Review 2011

Greetings from the McDonell Fraternity House!
     ...at least that is where I feel like I live, with me as the house mother (aka: “mean rule-maker”)... of all FOUR young men! Now it is not only Legos strewn about the floors of our house, but also iPods, hot glue guns, grinders, wood burning tools and suspicious smelling clothing. It is only a matter of time before we have the firefighters visiting us -- in a professional capacity that is, and not as friends of Toby! (*Please note that I did not begin this letter with a reference to our perpetual house construction...THAT subject gets a pass this year.)

    Jensen is now in kindergarten and loving every minute. It is not a sure bet that his teacher feels the same way though. It has been mentioned to his parents he is “very comfortable playing with the things on the teacher’s desk and rearranging the calendar." This may not have been such a big problem if he actually knew how to put the numbers back in order! Poor Mrs. Elmer... this is her third McDonell boy to have in her class. She also asked how it is possible that each subsequent child of ours is louder than the last?? As for how we are faring with our “baby” off to elementary school... instead of getting teary on the first day of school with the other sentimental Kinder parents, all we could say was, “YEAH! Free school!” Sadly though, all that preschool money we were going to be saving has been simply redirected to the orthodontist. After looking at the state of Bailey and Riley’s mouths and spying Jensen in the waiting room, her comment was, “We are going to be seeing each other for a long time!” Oh, joy. They will not be able to go to college, but they will have great teeth!

    Riley is now a third grader and even more a clone of Toby than he was last year (scary!) with one extreme exception: his immense head of hair. He is not a fan of short hair but unfortunately, instead of growing long, his hair grows taller and curlier! (Toby is tempted to snip a little off the top while he sleeps and make a full wig for himself.) Soccer is still his sport of choice but his HILARIOUS comedic monologues are what we look forward to each day. (It is best if only close family and friends hear them as they are, of course, mostly "inappropriate” ...yet really funny!)

    Bailey is in sixth grade and has entered the delightful limboland of adolescence, a pretty bewildering place for anyone in the near vicinity. I am fairly certain that we all will be riddled with emotional and mental scars at the end (please let that be soon)! He is a study on "extremes." One moment Bailey is incredibly independent, loving, wickedly witty, and plays lacrosse with a single-minded focus. Conversely, he can flip his mental switch and instantly be completely outraged by our apparent parental “lameness” and our utter audacity to ask him to do a simple task that he has been doing for years as a member of our family. The one thing I was sure we could look forward to when he became a teenager was having a free babysitter. In reality, we still have to hire a sitter who functions more like a hostage negotiator for the younger boys.

    Toby was promoted to Fire Captain in February and is now in charge of maintaining TWO houses: one of the fire variety up at the Stanford Linear Accelerator, and ours, which seems to have one “boy-made” crisis after another befall it. He has taken up painting again and has requested to have locking steel doors with an electronic shock system to “encourage” his sons to respect his personal space and work area.

    As for me, I still love teaching those sixth graders, but there is a twist this year: Bailey is in one of my history classes! It is actually really nice most of the time, and I always know who it is when I hear, “Mom?” from the sea of kids in front of me. However, we do have a slight difference of opinion on what constitutes adequate effort in regard to work ethics. Occasionally during one of our “discussions”, Toby will refer to us as “two 3-year olds fighting over a toy”.... but I OWN the toys, so "HA!" I do still volunteer in Riley and Jensen’s classes which is a little less contentious for both Mom and child!

    We hope that the coming year provides your family with the adventure and “entertainment” that ours is sure to provide in 2012! Until next year, when my family life will SURELY return to perfection....

Day one in the land of Angst.....

My primary source material. Often I think he is two people living in one body.... isn't that called

schitzophrenia?